Tagged with change …

Jul 19 2012
2 Comments
2012, Change

Sleepless in Edmonton

These past few nights have been rather hellish. Sleep seems to evade my body at night and it is honestly starting to do a number on my body. I am tired, restless and agitated. Being sleep deprived doesn’t exactly make for the greatest combo. These last few days I have allowed my sleepiness as an excuse to skip my work out at the gym. I can feel the snowball of failure beginning to roll and I need to take some responsibility for myself and put an end to it.

I haven’t really started doing anything really different. Experts always say you should “unplug” before you go to sleep but I find it incredibly hard. As soon as I can sleep I reach for my phone or my tablet. Luckily Netflix is a 24 hour kind of service.

My nighttime ritual may need a bit of a mix up. I brush my teeth, wash my face and turn my iPad on. I usually end up leaving the damn thing playing all night. I don’t think I need something playing in the background while I sleep but I usually just end up falling asleep watching it. The whole thing probably isn’t the greatest sleep ritual around.

It is time to start getting out of bed on time, not listening to any of my own excuses and just finding a way to get my butt into the gym. Eventually waking up at 5:30 in the morning will make me to tired to have a sleepless night. That is the goal after all. Fingers crossed that I fall asleep tonight and do not wake up until my alarm jumpstarts my day.

 

Does anyone have any sleep tricks? Any bedtime rituals?

Tagged , , , , , ,
Jun 13 2012
1 Comment
2012, Change, Confession

A Thing About Vulnerability and Happiness

Happiness is so many things. A smile from a friend,  a love of life or even just a deep satisfaction. At so many points in my life I have struggled with being happy. Not a smile on the outside and scream on the inside type happy. I mean truly enjoying the happenings around me. Life is so much easier when you bury emotions deep inside and keep looking through your rose colored glasses. Finding happiness hasn’t been easy. It all started with this innate knowledge that what I was doing and who I was being wasn’t me. The girl with the smile on her face wasn’t happy. She wasn’t even close.

     I’ve always been incredible guarded with my feelings and even with my heart. Keeping people at a distance was always easier than allowing a chance of vulnerability to shine through my outer self. This mask eventually gets too heavy to wear. One can only go on pretending for so long. Eventually my foundation needed to crack. For one reason or another I found myself nearly inconsolable and seemingly without reason. Sure the past year had been rough. Life ebbs and flows and that’s part of the joy of being alive. I needed to pick myself up and shake off the darkness. Happiness needed to become a priority in my life and I couldn’t let anything get in the way. My journey is young. I am only just learning to put my happieness first. To be completley content with myself and to really understand that who I am is more the enough. People as a whole are always focused on pleasing someone else. I felt guilty or bad if I couldn’t make every single person happy. Spreading myself thin doesn’t do anyone any favours. To be the best version of me that’s possible I need to be kind to myself. Without being compassionate with myself I cannot be compassionate with anyone else. Happiness starts with the smallest details for me now. Taking 5 extra minutes to be thankful for what I have. Enjoying extra time with friends and the people I love. Following my gut. I always used to overlook my gut instinct. People, never do this. Your gut is almost always right.

    Learning to be empathatic is my next challenge. I’m all to quick to judge and it is easily my most deplorable trait. I have no right to place judgment on anyone else and when it comes down to it I don’t want to be judged either. At the end of the day after all of this big long rant my point is happiness is my priority. Nothing is more important than being happy with who I am or what I’m doing. Everything else will work itself out. Learning to be vulnerable, excercising patience and being happy with myself will lead to a more fulfilled life. Now as with everything in life there are no garuntees. Maybe I won’t become the big psychologist. Maybe I won’t be able to save the world. At least when I give it everything I’ve got I will be able to say that I’ve done my best. That I’m happy with what I’m doing. That I am enough. All of my life I have been overweight. Some times heavier than others and sometimes almost cleared of the fat shackle. One thing I have recognized time and time again over the last few days is my total lack of vulnerability. My resistance to have feelings encourages a plush layer of fat around my torso. Refusing to be vulnerable has led me to a place that isn’t pretty. Placing myself in a virteous cycle will allow for a growth and prosperity beyond what I have ever imagined. All of this transformation and peace comes from a place of vulnerability and genuine happiness. My journey will never end and I could never be happier with what I have decided to embark on.

Tagged , ,
Feb 15 2012
Leave a comment
Goals, Motivation, Snacking, Weight Loss

Attitude Adjustment

This year hasn’t started off the best for me. A few car accidents in the family, a stolen wallet and just an over all feeling of blah. I realised one thing. My attitude has been really shitty. Its hard to feel productive and successful if my outlook on life is poor. Rather than keep feeling bad for myself I need to change it. I need to start finding the brighter side of everything.

Its all to easy to get caught up in little things. My crappy attitude seems to snowball and one little thing seems to destroy my whole day. I want to start focusing on the good things. There really are so many good things that happen every day and I want to start enjoying them.

On the plus side my eating has been getting better. Eating salads for lunch has become more and more regular. I still have a hard time with mindless snacking. When studying, watching tv or just sitting around the house I want to be eating something. I think if I making smarter snack decisions and including more protein then some of the cravings will start to go away.

Skipping breakfast has been a problem for me lately to. Oatmeal started to bore me so I just stopped eating it. I know there are more options for breakfast but I just haven’t looked into my options. This week I want to cook up some mini egg frittatas for the morning. Something that I just throw in the microwave and go.

So here’s to a positive week. Ill change my attitude one step at a time and hopefully things start to happen for me. Ill make things happen for me.

Tagged , ,
Oct 01 2011
Leave a comment
Weekend

Home Out On The Range

You really don’t know what you have in life until it’s gone. Moving out of my childhood house is incredibly more emotional than I expected. Techincally this house isn’t my “childhood” house. There is no childhood house in my story.

We used to move from house to house and town to town when I was younger. It only made sense to follow where the work went and because of that we seemed to be living in a moving truck more than we lived in a house.

We moved into this house in the early summer of 2001. I was almost 13 years old and completely devastated that I wouldn’t get to go to highschool with all of my friends. My cruel parents were ripping me out of my town, the town that we played kick the can in, rode our bikes through the golf course and had late night chats about who our latest crush was on the playground swings. This new house was in the country. I barely had any neighbors and I was being enrolled into a middle school placed in the middle of no where, actually between a cow farm and an old church.

This was teenage hell.

Slowly I met people (most of these people became my very closest friends). I learned to appreciate being out of town. I was the girl in the country. We threw big parties, ripped around on quads and enjoyed the area that we were in. This house slowly became our home.

After what could only be described as a combination of a series of unfortunate events and a serious lack of need for a huge house my family decided to move. At first it seemed impossible we would even find a house in town that would fit our needs. Seven people, three cats and one dog do not a town town house fit.

Eventually we found one, and sad to say that today is my last day in this big old country house. I’m going to miss the creaky floors, the endless space and the quite of the country house. I have so many memories within these walls. It’s hard to let go of a place that seems like such a vital place in my past, yet life must move on.

I am looking forward to this new phase in my life. Between work, university and the boyfriend I seem to rarely be home any more. I’m at the awkward point where society says I should be getting married and having kids but I still feel so young. I want to travel and experience life some more. Being in university has taught me so many things about myself and the people who inhabit my lovely country and most importantly has made me understand that there is so much more out there.

I’ve quickly realized that home is not the walls you live in, but rather made up of the love of the people you live with. At the end of the day I’m happy to have a family that is so close to eachother (I’ll try and remember this when my favorite blush brush goes missing!)

Tagged ,
May 30 2011
1 Comment
Goals, Motivation, Vegetarian, Weight Loss

Why I Want To Go Meatless (Eventually)

There used to be a time where being a vegetarian was cool. I remember jumping on the band wagon when I was 15 years old. My mom was really supportive and bought me all kinds of meat alternatives. We tried veggie dogs, tofu and many of our meals consisted of beans. I pretty much hated it all. At the time I just wanted to fit in with everyone at school. Nobody around me was eating falafel for lunch. Chips, pasta and cookies took over my meals and snacks and soon I went back to eating meat almost as quickly as I had stopped.

Now it’s time to go back.

This time around I’m going to do things differently. My body is quite picky to what I eat and if I don’t fuel myself properly I often feel ill, exhausted and just plain old bitchy. Surprisingly you can not live off taquitos and vodka. There are hundreds of reasons to switch from meat to veggies but I only needed one. I want to have a body that keeps up with me. I’m sick of feeling lethargic after a big steak or juicy burger. I don’t want to have to guess how my body will react to every meal I eat.

I’ve decided to slowly cut back on meat products and start incorporating more of what makes me feel great. For the first couple of weeks I’m going to focus on getting rid of red meat and processed lunch meats. I’m not a huge red meat eater anyway so I don’t think this will be to much of a problem but it will certainly be a big change. When everyone hangs around the BBQ grilling their 12oz steaks I might miss the taste, or I might not. I know grilled veggies and rice make me feel fantastic. I’ve had portobello burgers that are juicy and delicious. There are so many options now a days that I don’t really have am excuse not to fuel my body properly.

Every few weeks I will start to cut out a different form of meat. From red meat and processed meats to pork, and then to poultry. As of right now I still want to include eggs and fish in my diet. Eventually the goal is to get rid of eating fish and eggs but for right now even just cutting out the meat in my diet seems like a daunting task. For the little bit of seafood and eggs I will eat I want to start supporting local farmers and organic producers. Edmonton has incredible farmers markets everyone weekend and I should be utilizing what I have available to me.

A lot of how and what I eat is all habitual. Sitting around a campfire without eating a hot dog just seems weird. I need to break old habits and get myself into a new frame of mind when it concerns food. There are endless possibilities for vegetarian meals, snacks and treats. A big part of wanting to go vegetarian is to turn my overall health around and start becoming the person I know I am. I want to know what is in my food a what I put into my body. At this time in my life it just makes sense.

I’m a little bit worried about what my friends and family are going to think but at the end of the day I know they will support my decisions and hopefully be proud of the change I’m making for myself. I’m not here to start forcing anyone into becoming a vegetarian. My own opinions are exactly that, my own. I’m looking forward to making all these changes and having a body that wants to work with me rather than against me. I’m looking forward to finding me.

Tagged , , , ,
Feb 04 2011
1 Comment
Change, Goals, Motivation, Weight Loss

A Word For February

February is such a short month.  A few less days and all of a sudden all my goals feel rushed and time just zooms by.  Rather than picking goals this month I just picked a word.

 

Consistent

 

I need to be more consistent in what I am doing.  This isn’t a total weight loss goal either. Being consistent will help me in a lot of different areas of my life. Keeping in touch with friends I don’t get to see very often, or even just telling the people that I love that I love them.  I brush my teeth twice a day and I need to apply that kind of habitual consistence to everything in my life.  I am a creature of habit.  Choosing to eat fruits and vegetables over chips is a habit. Waking up and going for a run or stretching out my muscles is a habit.  A habit can not be formed over night.  Most people suggest that it can take up to three weeks to break an old habit and for a new one.  Being consistent will help me achieve my goals in the long run.

I have a very demanding personality  style.  I want to achieve the world and I want it right this minute.  I need to learn that good things can take time and that a little effort and patience will make the outcome much more satisfying.   Eating healthier and making better choices is a commitent to loving myself again. I have a desire to see my body be transformed and become the runner/mother/best friend/sister that it can be. Loosing the weight in my journey is really a bonus.  If I could be healthy and live long in the body I do I would be content with it.  Such is not the case.

In August of 2010 I was told my blood pressure was high.  It was very high, If I remember correctly it was 170/120.  This puts me at risk for heart disease, hypertension and stroke.  I was devasted.  The obvious choice was to put my on blood pressure medication and start on the path of a healthy life style.  Even just loosing ten percent of your weight can make an enormous improvement to your blood pressure.  I was stubborn, I didn’t want to be on blood pressure meds, and mostly I didn’t want to admit that I needed help.  Coming face to face with how unhealthy my actions were was frightening.  It was no longer an extra beer or two here.  I was unhealthy, and on a rapid decline to hurting my body. I decided in August to not take the meds ( against my doctors adivce) and thought that this would be the time that I would finally get healthy.  This would be the time that I would change my entire lifestyle.  I tried, I did a complete 360 overnight.  The first few days went extremely well and then my cravings kicked in.  My emotional desire to eat kicked in.  I find comfort in food and without it I didn’t know where to turn.  It is surprisingly easy to ignore your blood pressure when you cant feel the effects.  I felt normal.

Two weeks ago I went back to the doctor to see how everything was.  I wasn’t feeling great.  I had been having reoccurring migraines that was making it near impossible to function.  It came the time to take my blood pressure and unsurprisingly it had gone up.  I sat in my doctors office with tears streaming down my face, mostly out of disappoint with myself.  I had a chance to make everything better and I neglected it.  My inconsistence had left me with an even worse blood pressure and a higher chance of a stroke.  Luckily my doctor didn’t ignore my tears.  He looked my straight in the eye and told me what I needed to hear.  Taking chances with my health isn’t worth the gamble.  He told me he knew I could loose the weight myself but he didn’t want to see my hurt myself or damage my body trying to do it.  We talked about the blood pressure medication again and he left it in my court.  He gave me holistic options and he also gave me a prescription for blood pressure medication.  I took a few days to think about what I should do.  I needed to get over the stigma of being on blood pressure medication at twenty-two years old.

I know that I can achieve health and weight loss with consistency.  Making healthy choices over and occur again will help me form the habit.  Loosing just ten percent of my weight will help my eliminate the need for any type of blood pressure medication.  Until then, I want to make sure I don’t dig an early grave.  I cut out added salt and have been constantly eating foods without labels.  I have been working out a few times a week and actively working on moving more.  I wake up in the morning and take a little brown pill and it inspires me to keep going.  This month is the month I will start being consistent.  Making better choices will enable me to be the best person I can be.  I want to know that person.

I encourage you all to pick one thing and be consistent with it this month.  It can be as small as washing your make-up off before bed ( which I need to do more often!) or as life altering as changing everything.  Pick something and start with it.  2011 is the year to kick some serious ass. Wake up in the morning and have a glass of water, get your but in gear 5 or 6 days a week and have some fresh veggies for a snack.  Little differences add up to big changes.  This month I will be focusing on keeping salt out of my diet, eating foods that have no labels, limiting my meat intake, taking my make-up off before bed, and just being happy with who I am.  Be consistent and love yourself.  I try and find something to praise my body for everyday, even if it’s just the will to keep on trying.

Tagged , , ,
Jan 10 2011
1 Comment
Change, Everyday

“Me Week”

Life has certainly torpedoing around these past few weeks. Everyone I know has seemingly gotten engaged, pregnant or both. All the happy announcements are a rather cold reminder that I am neither.  Work has finally started to slow down, just in time for my family life to turn into a volcano.  Maintaing a healthy balance in this mix has been hard.  At the end of the day I usually want to crawl into bed and sleep for the next 12 hours or curl up on the couch and devour a bag of chips.  Neither makes me achieve what I want to.  My running has been an after thought these last couple of days.  I seem to be just going through the motions and jogging my necessary few miles.  I used to be so excited to go for a run and feel powerful.  Something about running a 6 or 7 miles makes me feel on top of the world.  Lately I have lost focus on everything that makes me happy.

This is going to be my week of rededication to myself.  My “Me Week”.  I am going to re focus on myself.  What makes me happy, and what makes me content. Waking up and giving myself enough time to eat a satisfying breakfast so I have enough energy to face the day. Taking time to exercise and be active rather then getting caught up in late night activities with friends.  I will be going to bed when I am tired rather then straining to stay awake for the latest TV show of whatever program I am watching.  The internet makes it easy to catch up on programs, there really is no reason I need to loose sleep over it.  During my “Me Week” I am going to be happy in my own skin.  I will be confident in my own voice and look in the mirror and love my body for how it is right now.  Changing lifestyles and trying to loose weight can sometimes put negative thoughts into your mind.  I don’t need to criticize my own thighs, I have enough things to worry about.

Doing something for myself this week can be as simple as singing in the car on the way to work. Eating avocado on your salad with lunch, not caring about the fat content involved.  I plan on calling my best friend and catching up on all the going ons of her life and her family.  Making time for me to enjoy the people I love around me will give me the motivation to continue on a path of renewed health.  Avoiding processed garbage and the desire to lay on the couch like a whale is hard work. I have to remind myself that changing my entire lifestyle wasn’t meant to be easy.  If weight loss and healthy eating was easy there wouldn’t be an obesity problem.  A  few extra moments in a day that are dedicated to applauding my progress and my success will remind me of what I am doing.  I will be reminded that every choice I make is increasing the length of my life and helping to lower my blood pressure.

Everyone should have a “Me Week”.  Ideally every week will be my week.  I will get to the point in my journey that I no longer have to set my alarm and force myself to exercise for a few hours.  My body will crave the movement and my mind will thank me.  Healthy unprocessed foods will help me be the best person I can be.  No unneeded chemicals in my system will allow my body to perform at an optimal level.  I am looking forward to taking the next step in this process.  To hold my head high and be proud of what I have accomplished and what I have learned along the way.  Deciding to be healthy and change your body and essentially the entire way you live is no easy task.  It is easier to be fearful of change.  With no change we can not continue to grow and develop as people.  Starting to change can be as little as an extra 2o minutes of walking each day, or adding a piece of fruit to your lunch.  Starting small allows your body to adjust, but more importantly your mind can jump the hurdle of being healthy.  There is no diet in my vocabulary.  Only change.

I encourage you to have a “Me Week” or even for you to have a “Me Day”.  Wake up and enjoy what you and your body can do.  Have an egg or two for breakfast, maybe go for a quick run and do something you love.  Start something that you love to do for just you.  What puts a smile on your face? Take time to make room for something that normally gets pushed to the wayside.  Life is to short to not enjoy the pleasures of everything around you.  Take a moment and just smile.

Tagged , ,
Dec 14 2010
Leave a comment
Uncategorized

Culturally Obsessed

Skinny is such a disgusting word. Skinny is never a compliment. Skinny allows your bones to jut out. Skinny enables people to talk shit behind your back. Skinny is the same thing as fat. Both words seep into you and do there very best to wreck your self esteem and let the tears stream down your face. I’ve never been a skinny girl. I’ve been athletic, normal, chubby. Mostly I’ve been obese.

Obesity is incredibly difficult. I’d like to be able to sink into myself when I’m leered at the shopping mall. I can only imagine skinny people feel the same way. I’ve cried in a fitting room of a retail store because nothing fits, and I can imagine skinny people have as well. I have many friends who are gorgeous people. People who laugh from the deepest parts of there belly. I have seen how the word skinny affects these people. How they work so incredibly hard to gain or maintain a weight.

Picking apart someone is never the answer, and yet as a society it has become acceptable. I hate the fact that I work my ass off eating right and exercising and I’m still just the fat girl. I wish that I could allow people to see a day in my life, but at the same time they shouldn’t have the right. I should be proud of my journey and excited for what is to come.

As a whole we need to stand behind our own voice. Fat, skinny or “normal” we should all feel comfortable being in our own skin. I want to be in a culture that promotes individuality and celebrates how unique people are. Fat or skinny doesn’t matter. Healthy and happy should be our priority. I am proud to be finding myself. My journey is unique, and that’s what makes me who I am. Let’s change this fat culture, starting with looking past a persons’ size. See their smile, listen to what they have to say and enjoy them for who they are. Not what they look like.

Tagged , ,
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 551 other followers