Happiness is so many things. A smile from a friend, a love of life or even just a deep satisfaction. At so many points in my life I have struggled with being happy. Not a smile on the outside and scream on the inside type happy. I mean truly enjoying the happenings around me. Life is so much easier when you bury emotions deep inside and keep looking through your rose colored glasses. Finding happiness hasn’t been easy. It all started with this innate knowledge that what I was doing and who I was being wasn’t me. The girl with the smile on her face wasn’t happy. She wasn’t even close.
I’ve always been incredible guarded with my feelings and even with my heart. Keeping people at a distance was always easier than allowing a chance of vulnerability to shine through my outer self. This mask eventually gets too heavy to wear. One can only go on pretending for so long. Eventually my foundation needed to crack. For one reason or another I found myself nearly inconsolable and seemingly without reason. Sure the past year had been rough. Life ebbs and flows and that’s part of the joy of being alive. I needed to pick myself up and shake off the darkness. Happiness needed to become a priority in my life and I couldn’t let anything get in the way. My journey is young. I am only just learning to put my happieness first. To be completley content with myself and to really understand that who I am is more the enough. People as a whole are always focused on pleasing someone else. I felt guilty or bad if I couldn’t make every single person happy. Spreading myself thin doesn’t do anyone any favours. To be the best version of me that’s possible I need to be kind to myself. Without being compassionate with myself I cannot be compassionate with anyone else. Happiness starts with the smallest details for me now. Taking 5 extra minutes to be thankful for what I have. Enjoying extra time with friends and the people I love. Following my gut. I always used to overlook my gut instinct. People, never do this. Your gut is almost always right.
Learning to be empathatic is my next challenge. I’m all to quick to judge and it is easily my most deplorable trait. I have no right to place judgment on anyone else and when it comes down to it I don’t want to be judged either. At the end of the day after all of this big long rant my point is happiness is my priority. Nothing is more important than being happy with who I am or what I’m doing. Everything else will work itself out. Learning to be vulnerable, excercising patience and being happy with myself will lead to a more fulfilled life. Now as with everything in life there are no garuntees. Maybe I won’t become the big psychologist. Maybe I won’t be able to save the world. At least when I give it everything I’ve got I will be able to say that I’ve done my best. That I’m happy with what I’m doing. That I am enough. All of my life I have been overweight. Some times heavier than others and sometimes almost cleared of the fat shackle. One thing I have recognized time and time again over the last few days is my total lack of vulnerability. My resistance to have feelings encourages a plush layer of fat around my torso. Refusing to be vulnerable has led me to a place that isn’t pretty. Placing myself in a virteous cycle will allow for a growth and prosperity beyond what I have ever imagined. All of this transformation and peace comes from a place of vulnerability and genuine happiness. My journey will never end and I could never be happier with what I have decided to embark on.
